I love Advent! I bought my first Advent wreath when I was in my late teens and faithfully lit the candles during my prayer time before bed (yes, I was a church nerd from a very early age). There is something about this season of watching and waiting - of slowing down and paying attention - of preparing room for the Christ child to be born anew in my life - that deeply attracts me! After many many decades of observing Advent I have familiar rituals that have worn deep tracks in my soul. I begin preparing in early November so that when Advent arrives, I’m ready! But with this preparation also comes expectations - maybe, if I plan carefully enough I will finally be able to slow down and have an Advent filled with peace and tranquility!
Last year Advent was a season of dislocation and pain. By the time Advent arrived a large percentage of my belongings were in storage pending the move (including my Advent wreath). I kept one beloved devotional on my nightstand, but the readings did not speak to me at all. I felt cold and numb and a bit like I had spent too long on the spin cycle of a human-sized washing machine. Disoriented, I stumbled my way through Advent. And then before I new it Christmas had passed and it was Epiphany - and I had begun a new chapter of my life in Cuyahoga Falls. I had completely missed the seasons I love (I’m also a big fan of Christmas and Epiphany).
Time and the love and kindness of this new community helped me to reorient and settle into my new surroundings. As time passed, I found myself looking forward to welcoming Advent into my life again this year. I ordered my favorite beeswax candles and set out my wreath. I took the beloved devotionals off the shelf and moved them to their appropriate places. I front-loaded as many administrative tasks as I could so I could free up time in my schedule for the pastoral care emergencies that always happen in December, and I set my heart toward slowing down and having a peaceful season of watching and waiting. Maybe with careful planning, this would be the year of a peaceful Advent.
Any pastor reading this is probably laughing hysterically right now. There is nothing (absolutely nothing) quiet and peaceful for a pastor in December! Every year I long for it, and every year it alludes me and leaves me feeling like I missed an important part of the season and failed in my quest to slow down and savor Advent. Last year was more extreme than other years, but the pattern was the same - longing for a special set of circumstances that would allow me to slow down and “experience” the peace, joy and wonder of Advent, while instead being swept up in what December is for pastors. And right on cue, this year's carefully made schedule went right out the window and we were off and running - like in every Advent in every church in every city and every country that I have ever served.
December IS the spin cycle - without or without a major move!
And like every year when I find myself in the spin cycle, the day finally came when I uttered a painfully familiar sentence: “I can’t wait until I retire and I can steep myself in a true Advent experience.” I’ve said that sentence at least 36 times over 36 yrs of ministry - usually in my car at the end of a long day. Someday I’ll finally get to experience Advent...
...but this year as I said it I felt like I was doused in cold water! I sat up straight (in the car) with a start! And that quiet voice within me said “No - you can't wait until you retire to experience Advent. Experience it now. Wake up!”
Wow. Now that is a wake-up call!
I had built such rigid ideas in my head about what had to happen in order for me to fully experience Advent that I was denying myself Advent for at least the next nine years of my life until I imagined I could have that particular set of circumstances! Clearly that was just a little bit nuts. What if God’s idea of Advent was different from mine (always a safe bet)? What if, in letting go of my rigidity, I would actually create more room for Christ to be born in my life - instead of crowding the Christ child out with all my expectations - “sorry, but you cannot be born in my life until I retire and have time to fully contemplate your in breaking into the world.” I started to laugh. Did I really think that the journey to Bethlehem was quiet and peaceful - that the surrounding area was free from political and social upheaval - that the stable was neatly curated and carefully scheduled so everything happened on cue - that the childbirth was painless and a time of peace and bliss - and that the aftermath was more tranquility with candles, incense and starlight as they huddled with the beasts to keep warm in the barn while all manner of people dropped in to see this baby about whom the some loud sky choir had been singing! More laughter. More grace. Some tears. Deep knowing. Advent is all of the chaos, pain, fear and wonder rolled together. Last year's pain and disorientation WAS Advent, as was every December's spin cycle before it. God is powerfully present where we are - not where we think we should or ought to be.
The spin cycle continues. I still have more places to go than time to get there. My heart is still breaking for the many people who are suffering this Advent. And as is the case for Pastors in December, I move from one difficult situation to another, watching the deep pain that beloved people face every day! But no longer is this keeping me from experiencing Advent - this IS Advent. Christ IS in each of these situations I enter - just waiting to be seen.
I still read one devotional in the morning. I still light the Advent candles in the evening and sing some chant and read more devotionals. And pray. And I still read the remaining devotionals before bed. Those are good and healthy rhythms for me. But before this realization, I thought that those rituals and Sunday worship and any moment of peace and tranquility were my observance of Advent - now EVERYTHING is my observance of Advent. The sorrow, the fear, the hands I hold and the hand that touched my cheek yesterday - they are all Christ. As is the laughter, the love and the tenderness I see each and every day - Christ.
Clearly I don’t need to wait until I retire to fully experience Advent - it overflows in my life right now (and yes - that sometimes feels like getting water from a fire hose). Thanks be to God!
And here is the amazing thing - despite all that is going on around me - in the lives of my parishioners and in our crazy world - I feel a deep sense of peace. And wonder. And joy. I feel all those things that I’ve longed for each Advent and thought could only be experienced through a particular set of circumstances. Now with those expectations gone, they are present in an abundant supply. I feel Advent.
Do you have expectations that are keeping you from seeing how Christ is present in your life NOW? If so, can you name them - and allow God’s Spirit to create space around and within them? Is there space within you for the Christ child to be born anew this Christmas, or is your inner inn full? There is still time to create space - all it takes is desire, and letting go.
Living and loving Advent,
Kim
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