All is calm...

It is the quiet before the storm.  Right now all is peaceful and calm.  But within a few hours a named bomb cyclone winter storm will barrel through Ohio.  The weather magi say there may be a blizzard in the midst of a 40 degree temperature plummet, sub zero temperatures and high winds.  We've been told to prepare for power outages.  And to stay off the roads.  Since this unbidden guest arrives early on the 23rd of December, the fate of the Traditional Christmas Eve Candlelight Service is unclear - for a third year in a row.  Of course, if we need to we will pivot and adapt with plan B or plan C.  But we are all hoping we can leave pivot and adapt home for the night and just have the @#$% Traditional Christmas Eve Candlelight Service.

Advent is my very favorite time of the year.  I look forward to it with a longing that is difficult to describe.  I bring traditions and rhythms to it that make my heart sing.  But this year they were all turned upside down. Again.

I did not expect to get RSV on the Monday of the First Week of Advent.  With my lungs being my weakest link, this was a problem.  It morphed into bronchitis, and I was forced to go down the road of multiple courses of antibiotics and the dreaded steroids in order to breathe.  I worked 1/2 days from home for two weeks because I didn't have the stamina or breath to do much else (including dishes, laundry, decorate the Christmas tree, send out the cards etc etc etc).

And yet - and yet - in the midst of those challenges, I had the most amazing Advent.  Perhaps it was because of what I couldn't do that there was more space for God.  Suddenly my life got much simpler - there was no energy for running around (or my approximation of running around). I discovered that when I'm sitting on the edge of my bed in the middle of the night coughing my lungs inside-out, God is a good companion.  Talking makes the coughing worse, so we had many silent conversations.  I got a whole lot better at being quiet and listening to the silence, and (surprise!) the quieter I was, the more I heard God.  Not in the deep, resonant voice of a Hollywood actor, but in the quiet, gentle promptings deep within my soul.  It was warm, and comforting and pretty amazing.  Wow.  

It was not the Advent I wanted.  Nor was it the Advent I expected.  Instead, it was so much more (even with the bronchitis).  In fact, it was the most wonderful Advent ever.  Even with...

I do not know what kind of storm this will be.  I don't like losing power for long periods of time, especially with subzero temperatures.  But if we do lose power, I will think about my friends in Ukraine who offer praise when they get power for three hours a day every few days!  I will pray for them and for those who are homeless and whose very lives are at risk in weather like this.  I do not have that fear - but I can try to put myself in their position and have empathy (causing my heart to grow just a little bit bigger).  And if they are right and in the middle of the night my house starts shaking, I know that God will keep me company, just as God has so many night during Advent.

I am loved.  I am safe.  I am not alone.  And Christ's light shines in the darkness.  I am enveloped in God's love - I take a deep breath and sigh.  I smile.  Blessed Advent.

And if Christmas Eve requires plan B, C or even D, I trust that it, too, can be more than expected - in a good way.

With love and prayers,

Kim

Your word is, Arise!

 Your word is - "arise."  I laughed out loud and pictured her putting the ceramic butterfly with that word on it somewhere on her prayer table.  I see her room so clearly, even though I haven't been there to sit in the rocker and look past the prayer table and through the window to the vistas beyond for almost five years.

She always makes sure that her prayer table has little ceramic symbols that connect with both the seasons and life in the Spirit.  On the back of each symbol is a word that expresses some aspect of the spiritual life (like grace, peace, patience, etc).  Our ritual is that when our session draws to a close, I choose one of the symbols and turn it over to see what my "word" is for the next month.  There are ceramic snowflakes for winter and colorful leaves for autumn.  And now there are butterflies for summer.  At the very least I get a word that could inspire my spiritual attention for the next month.  But it is often so much more...

...like two months ago, when, at the end of our phone session, she shared that she had new butterflies, and a couple of them might not have words, but we would give them a try.  I chuckled to myself - I hadn't had a chance to share with her that during the past few months, I was moving away from using words in every prayer time and instead focused sometimes on being wordlessly open to God's presence - being instead of doing.  As my spiritual companion turned over the first butterfly that I picked (by her description of how they looked), she paused and said - "huh - there is no word."  She turned over the second - same result.  And the same for the third.  She was audibly perplexed - I laughed as I wiped away tears.  As she started to apologize for the failure to provide me with a word, I stopped her and explained that I got exactly what I needed - no word - to affirm this wordless phase in my journey with God.  It was loving and playful confirmation that I am seen - and loved - by my Soul Companion.

This month's word was equally on the nose.  

Arise.  Again I laughed and cried as she shared the perfect word for me.  By the time of this conversation with my companion, I had been on steroids for 14 days, and would be on them for several weeks more - maybe longer.  While steroids are helpful for managing a sarcoid flare up, they cause a host of unintended consequences that include significant sleep disruption.  As of day 14, I was averaging 2-3 hrs per night of sleep, usually in 15-20 min intervals.  I dread taking this medication and struggle mightily to cope with the sleep depravation, having moments where arising feels a bit like this:  

I've been here many times before, and by day 2 of highly interrupted sleep I find myself feeling edgy, frustrated and beyond exhausted.  My self talk can drift towards the unpleasant, especially in the middle of the night.  My body feels like the preschooler who is learning to tie their shoe laces and wants to do it themselves (no matter how long it takes) right as you are trying to get out the door to meet a tight and important deadline.  You want to be supportive and encouraging, but you feel the tensions arise as you acknowledge other realities.  You want them to just get over it (!) and in anger you drag them along kicking and screaming!  I can live this reality easily at 3 am.

Several years ago my spiritual companion suggested I reframe these middle of the night times awake as an extra opportunity to pray - an extra time to commune with God.  Pivot and adapt - tell a different story.  I made that mental change, and over the years, it did help.  Some.

But this time the interrupted sleep has been unrelenting.  Usually by the half way point of the medication my body starts to adapt, but not this time.  The cough provides good justification for working from home (no one wants to be around someone who is coughing).  Tomorrow I go on vacation for a fortnight, so the pressure to function as a rational adult while crazed with sleep loss will be over (yay)!  

But the nights - the arising time.  That can be a whole other matter.  I sit on the side of the bed reading until my eyes are almost shut, have a short time of prayer (mostly intercessions) then get comfy in bed.  And my eyes pop open and here we are.  I sit up on the side of the bed again and pray, until I feel very tired and try again.  I will fall asleep several times during the night and wake up soon thereafter.  Rinse and repeat - until I fall into a deep sleep of exhaustion right before daylight - and have to wake up before 7 am to take the medication and begin again, feeling this familiar sensation of disorientation and exhaustion.  I sometimes can catch a half an hour nap mid day, but that is the exception.  

So - how has reframing my "arising" helped me to cope with these unwanted circumstances?  Seeing this time as an opportunity to pray has been helpful - it gives the time purpose.  And there is something liminal about that middle of the night time - no wonder many orders of monks awaken in the middle of the night to pray!  But I still felt an "edge" to the time - something was still out of sync.  I finally heard it last night as I listened to my inner "self talk" with my exhausted body.  "Look - there is no reason for us to be sitting on the side of the bed right now.  You need sleep - you are relaxed.  You are okay - you are going to get comfortable, close your eyes and go to sleep!"  There it was - the kind of force that causes children to push back against whatever you are trying to get them to do!  I was not treating my body gently or lovingly - I was trying to force it to do something it deeply wanted to do, but was unable to do.  As soon as I heard it, my inner voice softened and I was able to change the script.  "We will sit on the edge of the bed and read and pray as many times as we need to tonight.  Whatever you need to get through this and heal is what we will do - together."  That's it - love of self in the same way I would love my neighbor or God.  Now I was arising!

I am on vacation for two weeks starting tonight at midnight, and will probably be awake when my vacation starts, even though I need to be up at 5 am to make a 6 am appointment.  I am relieved to have the break to not worry about doing pastoral work with unreliable filters due to lack of sleep (what a blessing thought bubbles are invisible); I'm looking forward to this break for a number of reasons.  And tonight, at 1:52 am and 3:15 am and 4:30 am, when I am wide awake and cannot get comfortable, I will arise, sit on the side of my bed, take a deep breath and pray.  I have some lovely books on my nightstand all ready for the next few weeks.  As often as needed I will arise and give thanks, arise and share concerns, arise and read inspiring words, arise and take deep breaths, arise and show myself the same compassion and care that I would show to someone entrusted to my care.  Because I am.  And so I will arise.

What difficult situation are you dealing with that can benefit from a reframe and a healthy dose of compassionate care?

Arising with love, compassion and prayer,

Kim

A Raw Winter Day in June

Although it is a bright, balmy summer day, my heart is frozen.  I'm wrapped up in a blanket and have to remind myself to breathe.  It is a challenging time to be an empath and more challenging still to live with a commitment to keep my heart open and exposed even in this social tsunami America is weathering.  I'm not sure why my raw, battered heart feels frozen - over stimulation?  Deep grief?  Emotional overload?  I wonder...

NPR plays in the background.  I listen.  More analysis that doesn't fit easily in my brain.  I listen to men talking about why today's Supreme Court decision is to be celebrated.  One former governor describes the motives of women who seek abortions and I wonder why, in my 40+ years of ministry, I've never met a woman with those motives.  I suspect that she is a mirage - like the black welfare mother - created to support a bias.  Instead of a mirage I see the faces of women I've ministered to over the years, making hard, heartbreaking choices that they concluded were the best of the difficult options for them and their families.  I see the face of a young professional woman who recently told me that she and her husband were planning on having another child, but she is terrified that, should she have difficulties with the pregnancy, she would not get adequate care.  I shudder as I think about her fear.  And then I remember that once again, access to choice in reproductive healthcare will be determined by where you live and how much money you have.  The social gap gets wider, and once again poor women will suffer the most.

Once again, instead of never again.  What happened to never again?

Yesterday I listened to some men explaining why the best way to control gun violence is through more guns.  I've heard this many time before, and the argument never makes sense to me.  I hate guns.  In my view, they have no place in a civilized society.  Weapons of war are for the battlefield, not for the classroom.  Or church.  Or library.  Or shopping mall.  I hated "open carry" when I lived in Idaho.  And now the Supreme Court has spoken about guns.  The Ohio Legislature and Governor have again spoken about guns.  Again I shudder, and wrap up tightly in my blanket,  knowing in my heart that these new rulings that lessen restrictions around guns will do nothing to limit gun violence.  And I hate that knowledge (and recognize that I used the word hate more times in this last paragraph than in anything I've written during the last six months).

I am so weary of the endless and pointless gun debates.  Gun violence will only be lessened when Americans confess and repent of their idolatry of guns and the power guns represent.

I write this knowing that my views are my own - I am not writing on behalf of my church or its leadership.  And even as I write this, I know that some friends and colleagues are celebrating both of these Supreme Court Decisions.  They suffered each time gun use was limited and women's reproductive health choice was affirmed.  Now they rejoice while I weep.  

But I will not deny my tears.

I worry about how often I've heard God invoked today.  People thanking God for today's decision - urging women who do not agree with this decision to pray.  I shudder as one community within Christianity asserts itself again as the faith of the nation.  Many Jewish colleagues are horrified today, as within Reform Judaism, life begins at birth, not conception, and they feel that their religious rights will be ignored.  Buddhist colleagues, too.  Although I serve within a progressive Christian denomination that has long stood for choice in women's reproductive health, so many non-church people think of Christianity as only being the religious right.  We are all painted with the same brush.  

I went to the virtual UCC Service of Lament this evening to seek comfort.  I saw many colleagues who I respect.  I heard many words.  It has been a day of words.  And more words.  And while I agreed with many of the words spoken, the experience left me cold.  And my heart remained frozen.  No comfort.

Perhaps there is no comfort to be had today.

I have embraced the Benedictine middle way most of my adult life and have worked to be a peacemaker -a builder of bridges. I live in a nation that routinely blows up every bridge and no longer considers the middle ground to be aspirational.  The polarization that breaks my heart only gets deeper and deeper - and both sides get more entrenched and continue this seemingly endless cultural war of attrition.  And the call for renewed warfare went out today.  A righteous war.  A holy war.  A war for freedom.  A war to defend the rights of women.  

But as the mothers in Ukraine and the mothers in Russia tell us, the name we give to our war means little when we're standing in the cemetery.  

I do not know how to be a peacemaker in this season of the endless culture wars.  

I don't know how to be me in 2022.

I wrap the blanket around me.  It feels like winter.  I sip my tea and ponder the unbelievable reality that my granddaughter will have fewer rights and protections than I had.  I grieve how my generation has let her down.  I worry that this new lens used by the majority in the Supremes for interpreting the Constitution may have serious consequences not only for my granddaughter, but for her brother, and their dads, and all the wonderful families that do not carry the Religious Right Seal of Approval.  Their rights need to be defended, as do the rights of women to have autonomy over their bodies and reproductive health care.  But how do you defend and protect these rights and wage peace in a time of culture war?

The peacemaker in me will pray for grace and insight tomorrow.  

Today, I grieve.  

And lament. 

Without apology.

Wintering

Today I awoke to a snowfall that a girl from WNY could embrace!  This was no meager snow event -  it had depth.  And the power hadn't gone off, which was a great bonus!  It was officially a snow day!

The first clue that this was the real deal was the silence - true silence.  No boy racers with their loud trucks were gunning the engine at the intersection outside my house.  In fact, there were no sounds at all coming from my neighborhood.  It was 2:09 pm before I heard the first children outside, and their sounds were not long-lived.  It was 3:50 pm when my plow jockey arrived to plow and shovel.  I opened the door to smile at him and say thank you (even though I didn't plan to leave the house today).  I can't afford the cost of having him shovel all the sidewalk surrounding my house, so he shovels from my front porch down the walk and down part of the 8th St sidewalk leading to the driveway (nothing on the Monroe side of the house nor from my back door to the garage).  Sidewalk shoveling was not something I thought of when I bought a little house on a corner lot.  I don't feel like I'm a very good neighbor (there is a lot of sidewalk on Monroe), and I miss the little sidewalk plows that my hometown had when I was a child.  The little plows travelled in pairs and would start at the same end of the street but on opposite sides, and race each other to the end of the street.  We would sit in the window and wait for them to race by in a cloud of flying snow!

Plow jockeys and shovelers are as rare as hen's teeth this year.  In fact, the firm that plows the church told us that they were unable to shovel for us this year due to a lack of workers.  So I offer thanks for the shoveled walk and settle back into my snow day.  I also know that if I want to recapture the feeling of being snowed in, all I have to do is go to my back door (which I'm not sure I can open), and look at the impressive amount of snow that stands between the house and garage.  Suffice it to say, it is a blessing that I plan to stay in for a wee while.

View from my back door to the garage door and back gate

I am thoroughly enjoying today, which surprises me a little.  As a child I loved winter and snow days.  Dad plowed snow as one of his many side hustles, and would plow a great big pile of snow in the front and back yards - just perfect for a short saucer run or excavating a snow cave (or both).  I spent hours out in the snow as a child enjoying fun in my back or front yard.  Growing up in a suburb of Buffalo in a family that thought going to the park was a wilderness expedition best left for once or twice a year meant that outdoor play happened at home.  As I sat today at the bay window looking out at my neighborhood, I realized for the first time how much this neighborhood reminds me of my hometown.  Talk about coming full circle...at one time such a realization would have frustrated me, since I left WNY in my twenties and swore to never move back.  And although I doubt I'll ever live there again, I look back on it now with a gaze softened by the years.  Enough healing has happened within my soul that good memories can surface without being immediately swamped by the bad ones, allowing me today to travel back to deep snow and the backyard on Washington Ave.  Sometimes my Dad would let me go plowing with him - a big treat because as the only girl in the family, I wasn't usually invited to do those kinds of things.  He would let me operate the plow blade - great fun.  At least it was fun until all the bumping, abrupt stops and driving backwards made me sick.  I soon discovered that going out plowing was only fun for the first 10 minutes!  Then I'd get laughed at and teased for being a girl (not fun).  But for a moment, sitting high up in the truck and dropping the blade to plow the snow, I felt like I was on top of the world!  Ditto for when I'd ride in the tow truck!

Winter in Colorado was heaven - if you wanted extended snow you went into the mountains for it.  If it snowed in Denver, the sun would usually melt it the next day.  Snow knew its place.  But I lost my love of winter in the Adirondacks.  In fact, my first winter up there I HATED the snow.  Not being a skier, having snow that is measured in feet and hung around for weeks served no earthly purpose to me, and left me feeling trapped in a place that was, well, challenging.  One particularly nasty storm left my neighbors going out their downstairs windows on snowshoes - a perfectly normal occurrence for them but a bit too much like a wilderness movie for me.  I was lamenting my hatred of winter one day to a North Country colleague, who was surprised at my reaction and regaled me with stories of how he and his wife look forward to the cosiness of winter and all the beauty it brings.  I looked at him like he was in serious need of supervision.  He looked at me with deep pity.  It was a short lunch.

Little did I realize that moving to Scotland would amplify that hatred of winter - not because of the snow, but because of the length of the nights.  I was not prepared for the short winter days and had a visceral reaction to all the darkness that first full winter in Scotland.  I was also not prepared for our central heating to lack a thermostat like we had in the American homes I had lived in.  The heating was on or off, and since we were heating with propane and it was expensive, it was on for only a few hours in the morning and evening.  The rest of the time it was off, and I felt perpetually cold and would resort to carrying a hot water bottle around with me when I was home.  We had a fireplace in the living room for burning coal, and so if I was home during the day, I would keep a fire going in the fireplace (and every evening).  A coal fire gave off a good deal of heat (and dust) but sitting close to it would warm me up...  that is, if our labrador would share her space in front of the fire!

We had a coal bunker in the backyard where we'd go to fill up the coal bucket to bring inside for the fire, and one day when I was going out to get coal I saw my dear neighbor out tending to her horses.  I went over to the fence and started to spew about my hatred of the dark, cold, coal, snow (and on and on and on) and she just smiled that gentle smile of hers and in her beautiful Welsh accent (which is one of the loveliest and most musical of accents) suggested that, perhaps, I might want to make peace with the cold and dark; make peace with winter.  To everything there is a season...

Her advice landed like a seed deep in my heart (thank you, dear Ann).  It has taken me twenty-one years, but I have finally reached the point of loving winter again.  I have entered into the spirit of wintering, and learned to celebrate the blessings this season brings.  As I write this I glance out the window and notice that it is snowing again and I smile.  I notice how comfortable and cosy I feel - hygge, as the Danes would say.  I take a moment to pray for those who lack shelter today and those who are working in this weather, especially our first responders.  And then my prayer continues like a gentle conversation with a dear friend as we enjoy the scene together.  The experience wraps around me like a warm, comfy blanket.  Spiritual hygge.

Learning to find joy in the things we cannot change (like winter) and even learning to look forward to those aspects of winter that bring us joy (slower pace, natural beauty, hygge) is a new experience for me.  Finding that I once again love winter has been a surprise - something I discovered in December, which did not feel at all winter-like and left me feeling like something was missing (quite a surprise!).  I will celebrate the emergences of the crocuses and daffys in spring, the long days of summer and the vibrant beauty of autumn, but right now I will steep in the deep beauty and peace of winter.

And there is one more thing thing I've noticed lately - I'm enjoying my age more and more.  I absolutely  love being in my sixties.  Although aging brings physical challenges, it also brings an inner freedom and spiritual clarity that is revelatory!  Each stage of life brings with it both joys and challenges.  But truly, from the point of view of my heart and soul, and to echo Sunday's gospel, the best was saved for last!

If you are interesting in reading about wintering, I can recommend Katherine May's book, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times.  I enjoyed reading her chapter on January today as I gazed out at the snow and smiled.

What do you fight against in your life that would lose its negative power if you befriended it?  What is your winter, and how can you learn to love it?

Wrapped up in a blanket, with love and hygge,

Kim