Now

In a few days I will go back to work following one of the best vacations of my life.  Unlike previous vacations where I travelled to places and people that I love and missed, batched cooked for the next several months and worked my way through a long to do list, COVID kept me home.  So I put my phone away, deleted my work email account from my iPad (so I couldn’t be tempted by the number of emails in my inbox) and stepped outside of time.  Aside from a few appointments that forced me to track the exact location of specific minutes and hours, I fasted from my calendar and clock and feasted on time.  What a banquet!

*****

I.

One of the ironies of the past five months has been my perception of lack of time despite working from home.  Lack of time is my explanation for not chopping veggies or baking bread or tending my container garden or weaving or washing my dishes or visiting with friends or going to a worship service that I’m not leading - or not doing any number of other things that leave me grounded, centered and balanced.  And happy.  I love my work and love the people with whom I work - but especially during these last five months there has been an never ending quality to work that crowded out everything else, leaving me feeling very useful, but not very centered or happy.  Feeling happy during a global pandemic might seem like a stretch, especially when you add in culture wars, a presidential election, social upheaval and America’s reckoning with its original sin of systemic racism (Ben Fold’s new song 2020 comes to mind).  But as our elders throughout time have taught us, the heart’s ability to experience true joy is not solely anchored to circumstances - thankfully!

II.

I usually batch-cook when I am on vacation because I find it helpful to fill the freezer (in the hopes that I’ll have food to eat when I’m working).  I made a conscious choice not to batch cook this time, but to instead cook just what I needed from fresh ingredients that required time to prepare.  Wash, chop, season, simmer, taste - adjust - enjoy.  Slow food - totally enjoyable.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy cooking - even in my nightmare of a kitchen.  Yes - even in my nightmare of a kitchen, I can enjoy cooking.  Perhaps I should have that sentence made into a poster and placed on a prominent wall near the kitchen.  You can find joy even under less than ideal circumstances, and if you've seen my kitchen you know what I'm talking about...

III.

In May I planted cilantro in my container garden - hoping to harvest some of the leaves for a wicked good batch of guacamole.  And then many weeks passed and I stopped pinching off the flowers - and there went my chance for a good crop of leaves! But as I was watering the garden this morning I noticed that I had a healthy crop of coriander seeds - all ready for picking.  I gently picked the seeds into a little plastic bag to go into the kitchen, and planted a few back in the pot - just in case I get lucky and can have another shot at the guac.  You never know - those seeds just might grow.  And I have enough coriander seeds for any number of dishes - maybe I will travel to India or Egypt via my ugly kitchen.  Probably Egypt, in honor of my friend Dalia, who I haven't talked to in a very long time.  Time to reach out...

IV.

As I sit at the kitchen table - coriander seeds next to my iPad and nightmare kitchen in full view - I wonder if there is any hope that the balance, centeredness, peace and (dare I say) joy that I’ve experienced these past two weeks can carry forward as I resume my work.  I’ve developed a life pattern of working hard and taking breaks to rest, but not being very successful at mixing the two together.  This morning I found myself thinking about a Senior Pastor I once interviewed with back at the beginning of my ministry.  He told me that he only had two settings - on and off - so he would work nine months of the year (7 days a week, morning, noon and night) and then take June, July and August off to collapse at their cabin at the lake.  He commented that “life-work balance” took too much energy and discipline, so he settled for on/off (with the help of a very generous vacation benefit).  I was interviewing to be his Associate and recall thinking that this would not be a good environment for a single parent with a young child.  I also thought he was a misogynistic jerk (we’ll skip that part of the story).  Although I agreed with very little of the “wisdom” he said he was imparting to me during the interview (he was also very impressed with himself), I agree with his assessment that it takes energy and discipline to maintain a life-work balance.  I would also add that it takes intention and desire.   If what we are learning about resilience can be believed, then it would be wise for me to find a way for the two (work and not work) to coexist in closer proximity - like within the same day.  Either that, or I need a freezer full of prepared meals, disposable clothing and a self-cleaning house - and twelve weeks of vacation each year!

V.

For my NOW weaving project I’m putting some chenille on my little Baby Mac to weave some scarves (non-technical, “easy” weaving - very relaxing).  There are two schools of thought about weaving with chenille - one school says weave with the warp under tremendous tension, and the other says weave with as little tension as possible.  Both ways will produce a warp that can be woven into scarves, but I like the finish and feel of the low-tension warp.  Plus, it becomes a discipline and metaphor for life.  It is easier to wind with high tension than to wind with low, even tension.  The latter requires staying present, relaxed and focused - a good way to be.  The warp is ready and the loom will be dressed sometime tomorrow.  It has taken me almost two weeks to unwind enough to wind the warp without stressing it.  

VI.

Thanks to COVID, my dissertation research and project is now undoable, and, given our current reality, pretty useless.  This is not a new realization.  I knew this in March and cycled through the denial, anger, bargaining, more anger, more denial, and one more round of bargaining before I could accept the reality that the work would not be done.  That left me with three choices - rework the dissertation for now, postpone it until we are post-COVID, or call it a day.  I was 99% sure I was going with call it a day when my advisor and program director opened space for me to entertain the possibility that, perhaps, this work - in a revised form - was needed now more than ever.  So I've reworked the dissertation research and project and will move forward.  I feared that the lift would be more than I could manage, but found that the yoke was easier and the burden was lighter than expected.  Pivot and go is definitely the dance move of 2020.  

VII.

I’ve been worshiping with one of my favorite communities in California - watching them agonize over how and when to gather in person.  They embrace a theology that places serious significance on physically gathering together to worship God (using singing).  They believe that this form of worship is one of the key ways they demonstrate love for God.  Navigating their belief system while also trying to keep people safe has been heart wrenching for them, as they are also trying to follow the advice of their health department.  They are making choices that my belief system does not compel me to make, and I worry about them - and pray for them - as they find their way.  This is such a hard journey - for everyone!

I’ve chatted with dear friends - all of whom are impacted by COVID to varying degrees.  I have no illusions that the second half of this year is going to be more peaceful than the first half (I'm hearing the song 2020 again in my head).  In fact, I suspect that between the constant need to reset expectations (and, as a pastor, the constant call to help others manage their expectations),  the rest of 2020 is going to be more of a buckle up/helmet on ride than a meander in the lazy river area of this 2020 theme park from hell.  But it is what it is, and it doesn't do anyone any good to pretend otherwise (a behavior that, in the past, left one open to the charge of being a false prophet - a temptation I totally get, given how painful it is to say things people do not want to hear over and over again).  

I guess it is time to double down on self care so soul, heart, mind and body stay integrated and healthy no matter what the future brings.  That way I'll still be able to see that even in the most challenging of times, God is still at work in the world and grace and blessings abound!

*****

So the experiment is on - are the elders correct and can a person pray, chop, wash, simmer, weave, write and pivot their way  - every day - through this @#$% pandemic while maintaining sanity and a modicum of peace and joy?  Wiser minds than mine say it can be done.  And I have the intention and desire.  Scripture says that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed anything is possible, and I dare say that today I have faith the size of a coriander seed.  With God as my partner, I am hopeful that even I can learn new behaviors!

That leaves me with one last decision - do I still want to bake something Egyptian, or am I leaning toward India and making some ladoos...

With love, smiles and coriander seeds,
Kim